honey and sting

Today is "shabbas shuva" -- the shabbat between Rosh Hashanna and Yom Kippur, the sabbath of return.

I just had a conversation with an old and dear friend in which we named and touched old patterns we are both dealing with, and blessed each other with the wish for release from those patterns. We talked about how old trauma can get coded in the body, and how we'd like to be free of that. I am very aware, for example, of a tiny, momentary, but very distinct cringing movement in my shoulders when I pass certain people in the hallway at work -- they may be complete strangers but if they have a certain kind of presence, mostly male and either physically powerful or carrying a tinge of anger and potential volatility to them, my body goes into this little ducking thing. A kind of "don't hit me" movement. I want to be clear, aside from a spanking or two, and maybe 2 instances of being slapped on the face, all of which was considered well within the norm when I was growing up, I was not hit or abused. But there is something raw and primal about a large man and a little girl that breeds a response to placate the beast. A beast which from an adult vantage point was born in war and pain and HIS fear encoded in ways deeper than I can imagine in HIS body. And I feel compassion, as I look back, for both that man and that little girl. And still the body remembers, and it doesn't feel good.

And I want to breathe, freely, without the built-up tension and stress in my body from thousands of times I wanted to get out of the way of something that is only vaguely a threat, but gets encoded that way nevertheless.

I want to live without the shadow fear of a child's unprocessed animal response to a potential predator or destroyer.

I want original joy. The delight of my body, my spirit, my heart, my mind, in play with the world.

I want to walk freely in the Light, letting my light shine.


So I wish, on this Sabbath of Return, for us all.